NARRATOR: “Happily ever after” . Yet (aber) a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend …
REVEREND: I now pronounce you . You may kiss the bear.
NARRATOR: proving that Americans don't give a crap (kümmern) about anything.

TED: So I got some big news. Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby.
JOHN: That's awesome! Wait, how did you guys …?
TED: We, uh, we need a sperm donor (Spender).

TED: What is that? What are you doing?
JOHN: Getting ready, dude.
TED: What do you mean you're getting ready? What're you doing with your hand?
JOHN: . So when I get in there, I can just bust it out.
TED: What do you think you are? Red Lobster?

TED: Hey, Johnny, you did it!
JOHN: Right here, buddy!
TED: Catch!
JOHN: What the … Dude, that's somebody's kid! Shit! Dude, it's in my eyes! I'm blinking (zwinkern) it in!
TED: Oh wait, wait, wait! I'm gonna take a picture and .
JOHN: What?
TED: #GrrrMonday.
JOHN: Help me!

TAMI-LYNN: Oh my God, Teddy. Look at this! It says if we wanna have a baby, you're gonna have to prove you're a person in a court of law (vor Gericht)!
TED: !

JOHN: We gotta fight it. We'll get a lawyer, and we'll sue the government for your civil rights (Bürgerrechte).

SAMANTHA: I'm Samantha Jackson. You must be Ted.
TED: Huh, yeah! Samantha Jackson, ?
SAMANTHA: Leslie.
TED; Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
JOHN: That's great! I mean, it's just like Sam L. Jackson!
SAMANTHA: Who is that?
TED: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

SAMANTHA: They've denied (verweigern) you the same rights as everybody else .
TED: Can you get me my life back?
SAMANTHA: Ted, ?
TED: What did you think I would do at this moment?
LAWYER: Objection (Einspruch)!
JUDGE: Overruled (abgelehnt)!

MAN: You want to be human in the eyes of the law. The important thing about being human is .

MAN: Where the hell's my coffee? You're not building rockets, !
JOHN: What a prick (Arsch)! 20 bucks (dollars) that I can toss (werfen) a cookie crisp into that guy's ass crack (Arschritze).
TED: Do it!
JOHN: I'm gonna do it.
MAN: ?
TED: Sir, I apologize (entschuldigen) for my five-year old child. Bad boy, you sit there and eat your fish nuggets!
JOHN: Fish-y nuggy!

JOHN: Go, go, go!

SAMANTHA: Alright, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. ?
TED: Yep, bring it on.
SAMANTHA: Do you consider yourself to be human?
TED: Objection!
JOHN: Sustained (stattgegeben)!
SAMANTHA: No, the witness (Zeuge) cannot object.
JOHN: Overruled!
TED: Sidebar (private Unterhaltung)!
JOHN: !
TED: Speculation!
JOHN: Hearsay (Hörensagen)!
TED: Bailiff (Gerichtsdiener)!
JOHN: Briefcase!
TED: Disregard (Nichtbeachten)!
JOHN: In my chamber (raum)!
TED: Stop beavering (bearbeiten) the witness!
JOHN: I rest.
TED: We could .
JOHN: Bang!